Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
