you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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