Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
there is glitter all over my balls
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
