i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
