The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Is it penis luge time yet?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
