jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You've changed since you got that strap on
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
