I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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