Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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