Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I believe in your delicious
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
