You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
