his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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