There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
