if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
