i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
