No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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