whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
