you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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