Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
