In the future we'll all be gay
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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