i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
