i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
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