also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
