Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
