Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
