Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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