Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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