i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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