How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
