just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
