But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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