I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
