I'm lost and stupid without you.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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