Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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