You just made me feel so damn special
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
