I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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