Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My bed is full of blood and feathers
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I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
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I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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