thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
