your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
