Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
