I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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