My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
