were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
