i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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