even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
