I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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