allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
