If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
