every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
