I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
