I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
