The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
