I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
