I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
