i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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