Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
