He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
