broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
