the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
we're so committed to being not committed
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
