don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
